Golf Truisms and Jokes

A professional golfer and his caddy had been together for several years. The only thing that bothered the golfer occasionally was that his caddy talked more and more as they got closer to the end of the tournament. This day the golfer was leading the tournament as they went into the final day and he wanted to concentrate more on his game and didn't want his caddy to distract him with his talking. He told the caddy on the 1st tee that he didn't want him to say a word today unless the golfer asked him a question and then to only answer with yes or no. The caddy agreed. On the 18th hole, the golfer sliced his tee shot and it wound up close to the base of a tree. If he could make a par he would win the tournament so he carefully looked at his options and thought he saw an opening he could hit through. He said, " If I hit a 5 iron and keep it low under that tree ahead of me and then have the ball rise up into the wind, it will land on the green and I'll have a chance to make par". He then asked the caddy, "Do you think the 5 iron is the right club"? The caddy answered "Yes". The golfer asked "Do you think I should try it"? The caddy answered "No". The golfer said "Well I think I can do it so I'm going to try it". The golfer took the 5 iron and hit it perfectly and the wind even blew the ball toward the hole and it stopped 2 feet from the hole. The golfer was elated and said to the caddy "Now aren't you sorry that you said I shouldn't try that shot"? The caddy answered "No". The golfer said "Well talk now and tell me why you think that". The caddy said "That wasn't your ball".

​Fred was an extremely avid golfer to his detriment at home. He finished playing golf one Saturday and was on his way home when he had to stop for gasoline. While pumping the gas his eyes locked on a very attractive young lady who seemed to reciprocate his feelings. Well, one thing led to another and the two succumbed to their passions, which made Fred extremely late getting home. His conscience got the better of him and he decided to tell his wife the truth. When he arrived home, he told his wife the whole story and begged her for forgiveness. His wife looked at him with rancor and called him the biggest liar she had ever met. “I know you played another 18, and are afraid of telling me the truth!” she said.   

​Bob stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn’t start his back swing. Finally his exasperated partner asked, “What the hell is taking so long?” “My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse,” Bob explained. “I want to hit a perfect shot.” “Good lord!” his companion exclaimed. “You don’t have a snowball’s chance in hell of hitting her from here.”

​Three golfers were standing at the gates of heaven, and St. Peter asked them if they ever cheated while playing golf with their wives. The first man admitted that he cheated all the time, so St. Peter gave him a motorcycle and admitted him to heaven. The second man confessed that he cheated on occasion, so St. Peter gave him a mid-sized car and let him through the gates. The third man said, “For 40 years, I only ever played golf with my wife. Most of the time she beat me, but I never cheated.” St. Peter gave him a Rolls-Royce and admitted him into heaven. A week later, the three men met at an intersection in heaven, and the third man was sitting behind the wheel of his luxury car crying. The two others asked why someone with such a nice car was crying. The third man looked through his tears and said, “I just saw my wife. She was driving a skateboard.”

​Bob was an excellent golfer. He hit the ball a mile. The only problem was he was losing his vision and could never find his ball. One day upon complaining about his predicament, his wife said, “Take my dad with you, he has eyes like a hawk.” “Are you crazy?” Bob said. “Your dad is 88 years old.” “That may be true, but he can still see for miles,” she responded. Bob figured it’s worth a try, so the next day Bob went out to play golf with Jack, his father-in-law. On the first tee, he crushed his drive and as usual, had no idea where it went. “Jack, did you see that drive?” Bob asked. Jack said, “Sure did! Saw it land, bounce three times and come to a stop” Bob thought that this was going be great. They jump in the cart and Bob said “Ok Jack, where is it?” Jack looks at him with a blank stare and said, “I forgot.”

​A golfer hit a wicked slice off of the tee that ricocheted through the trees and into the next fairway, narrowly missing another golfer. When the golfer got to his ball, he was greeted by his unintended near-victim, who angrily told him of the near-miss. “I’m sorry, I didn’t have time to yell ‘fore,’” the slicer said. “That’s weird,” the other guy replied. “You had plenty of time to yell ‘oh s**t!’”

​Mac and Jimmy were playing their home course. Mac putted out and walked back to the cart.
As Jimmy sank his putt, Mac suddenly jumped out of the cart and dropped his pants. He had just sat on a bee and got a nasty sting. In a lot of pain, Mac desperately asked his partner to get the stinger out.
The scene of a man kneeling next to his playing partner’s bare rear end was too much for the group playing behind the twosome.
The group raced up to the two golfers and asked a single question, “What was the bet?”

​One golfer was a determined, if not very proficient, player. At each swipe he made at the ball, earth flew in all directions.
“Gracious me,” he exclaimed red-faced to his caddie, “the worms will think there’s been an earthquake.”
“I don’t know,” replied the caddie, “the worms around here are very clever. I’ll bet most of them are hiding underneath the ball for safety.”

​Jake’s wife asked him why he doesn’t play golf with Tom anymore.
Jake responded to her question with one of his own. “Would you continue to play with a guy who always gets drunk, loses so many balls other groups are always playing through, tells lousy jokes while you are trying to putt and generally offends everyone around him on the course?”
“Certainly not, dear” his wife replied.
Jake nodded his head and said, “Well, neither did Tom.”

​Tim, an office employee of Doug’s, knew his boss was out of the office for the day. Tim had the brilliant idea to transfer all of his office telephone calls to his personal cell phone and took it with him to play golf.
Doug called Tim on the sixth hole asked, “How is everything going today?”
Trying to keep his composure and muffle the ambient outside noise, Tim responded, “Everything’s great. All under control, boss.” 
“That’s great,” his boss replied. “Could you do me a favor?”
“Sure,” Tim said. “What do you need?”
“Could you move a little faster?” Doug said.  “I’m in the foursome behind you.”

A deaf mute guy walks up to a foursome on the first hole, hands one of the players a card that says “I am a deaf mute, playing as a single, may I play through?”
The guy that gets the card is a total jerk, shakes his head no, and points the deaf mute to go back and wait his turn.
A few holes later the jerk is standing in the fairway and gets hit in the head by a golf ball.
In excruciating pain and pissed off, he turns around and sees the deaf mute holding up four fingers.

​After a game of golf, a lady golfer offered her caddy a ride into town. The caddy thankfully accepted and carried her clubs inside. The lady invited him to stay for lunch and served him a wonderful meal.
She then invited him into the bedroom. He was puzzled but went along out of curiosity. She asked if he wanted to go to bed with her, so he did that too. Later he realized it was time to get back to the course and prepared to leave. The housewife insisted on giving him a dollar before he could go. 
This was too much for the poor man, and he asked her, “Miss, what is going on? First, you feed me a delicious meal, and as if that isnʹt enough, you invite me to make love to you, and we have a terrific time together. Now you want to pay me? What is this anyway?”
So she explained proudly, “I told my husband I wanted to do something nice for my caddy who has been so faithful and helped me so much this year, so my husband said, ‘Screw the caddy! Give him a dollar!'”
The lady smiled, “But lunch was my idea.”

​A twosome were playing on the ninth green when one collapsed from a heart attack.
“Please, I need help.” the man on the ground said.
The other player ran off saying, “I’ll go get some help.”
A little while later he returned, picked up his putter and began to line up his putt. His friend, on the ground, raised up his head and said, “I may be dying and you’re putting?!”
“Don’t worry,” the golfer said calmly. “I found a doctor on the second hole who said he’d come and help you.”
“The second hole? When is he coming?” the man panted.
“Hey! I told you not to worry,” he said, stroking his putt. “Everyone has already agreed to let him play through.”

There’s a guy who plays golf with his buddies every weekend, and his wife keeps bugging him to take her along and teach her to play. He finally relents, and the following Sunday finds them on the first tee.
She’s never played, so he tells her to go down to the ladies tees, watch him drive, and then try to do like he did. She goes down to the forward tee and the guy hooks his drive, and the ball hits his wife, killing her instantly.
The police come to investigate, and the coroner says, “It’s the damnedest thing I ever saw. There’s an imprint on her temple, and you can read Titleist 1.”
“That was my ball,” the guy said.
“What I don’t understand,” the coroner continued, “is the one on her hip that says Titleist 3.”
“Oh,” the guy replied, “that was my breakfast ball.”

Fred and Harry decided to join the best golf club that money could buy.
On their first day as members, they went into the bar for a drink before their round. They ordered two whiskeys and asked, “How much is that?”
The barman smiled. “Are you new members?” he asked. “Is this your first day at the club?”
“Yes,” replied Fred and Harry.
“Well, it’s on the house.”
The two friends decided to lunch in the club dining room. It was a sumptuous meal after which Harry called the waitress over. “We’d like to settle up,” he said. The waitress smiled sweetly and enquired whether they were new members.
“Yes,” they told her, “we are indeed.”
“And is this your first day at the club?”
“Yes,” they replied.
“Then, it’s on the house, sirs.”
Much pleased, the two decided it was time to have a match, so they walked into the pro shop to buy some balls.
“Give me two sleeves,” Fred ordered grandly. “How much is that?”
“Are you new members, sir? And is it your first day at the club?” the attendant behind the desk asked.
“Yes and yes,” smiled Fred
“Okay. That will be $75,” the pro advised.
Fred turned to Harry and whispered, “It sure ain’t by the throat where they got you in this club.”

A man and his wife walked into a dentist’s office.
“Doc, I’m in one heck of a hurry,” the man said to the dentist. “I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I don’t have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10 a.m. tee time at the best golf course in town and it’s 9:30 already. I don’t have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!”
The dentist thought to himself, “Well, well, at last a golfer with real balls!“
So the dentist asks him, “Which tooth is it, sir?”
The man turned to his wife and said, “Open your mouth, honey, and show the dentist.”

Caddying for the elderly beginner required patience. He was doddery, but he was dogged, and he had sworn to break 100 before the summer was out. In fact, there was a bottle of single malt whiskey riding on it; the golfer’s faithful caddie would receive it when the magic score had been broken.
Then arrived a day when persistence seemed about to pay off for both player and caddie. They were on the green at the 18th and only 97 strokes had been made.
Player and caddie were excited and in the grip of such emotion that it was no small wonder that the player sent his first putt racing six feet past the hole.
In a flash, the caddie dropped the flagstick, picked up the ball and cried excitedly, “Well done, sir! You’ve done it! You’ve done it! Anyone would give you that.”

​A golfer is in a competitive match with one of his friends. Down a few strokes, the golfer says to himself, “I’d give anything to sink this next putt.”
Just then, a stranger walks up to him and whispers, “Would you give up a fourth of your sex life to make the putt?”
The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless, so he says, “Sure.”
Of course, he sinks the putt. Two holes later he mumbles to himself, “Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole that would put my opponent in a really tough spot.”
Again, the stranger moves to his side and says, “Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?”
The golfer shrugs and says, “Sure.”
A great drive, a well-struck fairway wood and a long putt later, he makes an eagle.
On the final hole, the golfer needs to make birdie to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, “Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?”
The golfer, incredulous as to how this stranger could actually affect his sex life, says, “Certainly!”
Another good drive and solid iron shot later, the man is on the green with a 10-foot birdie putt. Not even worrying about what he’s giving up, the man knocks the putt in dead center.
As the golfer walks to the clubhouse, the stranger walks up alongside him again and says, “You know, I’ve really not been fair with you because you don’t know who I am,” the stranger confessed with a malicious smirk. “I’m actually the Devil. You made a deal with me and from now on, you will have no sex life.”
“Nice to meet you, Lucifer,” says the golfer. “My name is Father O’Malley.”

​A husband and wife team were teeing off when the wife hits a terrible slice and lands right in front of a barn.
The husband quickly suggests, “Darling, let me open the barn doors on the other side and you can hit out directly to the green.”
The wife agrees. She addresses the ball, takes a huge swing and shanks it. The ball ricochets off an anvil and hits the husband in the head and kills him.
A year later, the wife is playing the same hole. Again she hits a slice and it lands in front of the barn.
Her playing partner suggests he open the barn doors and she can hit straight to the green.
“Oh no I won’t,” she said. “I tried it last year and made a 7!”

Arriving at the 18th hole where a large pond separated the fairway from the green, a foursome was shocked to see a golfer so furious with his game that he threw his bag into the water and stormed off to the parking lot.
As they approached the green, they noticed the man returning to the pond, removing his shoes and fishing for his bag.
“Wow,” one of the men said, “it seems he has realized the error of his ways. No golfer can quit cold turkey.”
At that moment, the errant golfer pulled his bag from the water, zipped open a side pocket, pulled out his car keys and then threw the bag back into the water.
“I guess if you play like him,” another in the group said, “maybe you can.”

​During Bo’s annual physical, the doctor asked him to describe his activities on a typical day.
“Well, doc, here’s what I did yesterday afternoon,” Bo began. “I waded at the edge of a rocky lake, evaded a pack of mongrels in the brush, scrambled up and down a number of rugged hills, climbed an oak tree and encountered a 6-foot rattlesnake.”
“Wow,” the doctor exclaimed, clearly impressed. “You sound like quite the outdoorsman.”
“No,” Bo replied, “I’m just a really lousy golfer.”

​Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract’s sick-leave provisions.
One morning at the bargaining table, the company’s chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, “This man,” he announced, “called in sick yesterday!”
There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score.
The silence in the room was broken by a union negotiator. “Wow,” he said. “Just think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn’t been sick!”

​Bob, a 65-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the country club with a breathtakingly beautiful 25-year-old blonde.
She hangs onto Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast.
At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, “Bob, how did you get the trophy girlfriend?”
Bob replies, “Girlfriend? She’s my wife!”
They’re amazed, but continue to inquire. “So, how did you persuade her to marry you?”
“I lied about my age,” Bob replied.
“What, did you tell her you were only 50?”
Bob smiles and says, “No, I told her I was 90.”

​A man who has been stranded on a desert island all alone for 10 years sees a speck on the horizon.
“It’s too small to be a ship,” he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer, he rules out the possibility of it being a small boat, then a raft. Suddenly, a gorgeous blonde woman emerges from the surf wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
She approaches the stunned man and asks, “How long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?”
“Ten years!” he says. She unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, “Man, is that ever good!”
Then she asks him, “How long has it been since you’ve had a sip of bourbon?”
Trembling, he replies, “Ten years!”
She unzips a waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask, and gives it to him.
He opens it, takes a long swig, and says, “That’s fantastic!”

Then she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper down the front of her suit, looks at him seductively, and asks, “And how long has it been since you’ve played around?”
The man, with tears in his eyes, replies, “Don’t tell me you’ve got golf clubs in there!”

​A very angry golfer was on his way to carding a round of 125, his worst score ever. He turned to his caddy and said, “You must be the worst caddy in the world.”
The caddie smiled politely and said, “That would be too much of a coincidence, sir.”

​After the honeymoon, the new wife told her husband, “I think it’s time for you to stop playing golf. In fact, you might as well sell all of your clubs.”
The husband replied, “You’re starting to sound like my ex-wife.”
His wife looked at him crossly and said, “I thought you said you’ve never been married before?”
The husband responded simply, “I haven’t.”

​Two women were put together as partners in the club tournament and met on the putting green for the first time.
After introductions, the first golfer asked, “What’s your handicap?”
“Oh, I’m a scratch golfer,” the other replied.
“Really!” exclaimed the first woman, suitably impressed that she was paired up with her.
“Yes, I write down all my good scores and scratch out the bad ones!”

Bob was playing with his regular Wednesday foursome and having a terrible round.
At the 17th tee, having already lost the match decidedly, he turned to his play partners.

“I think I’ve found my feel,” he said.
They looked at him puzzled. After all, Bob was playing terribly.
“Yes,” he said. “I feel like having three martinis.”

​The same foursome played every day at 10 a.m. They were known as the “3-hour gang,” always finished by 1 p.m. so they could play gin all afternoon. One eventful day, they ran into a foursome ahead of them playing incredibly slowly.
The guys in the 3-hour gang waved and waved at each tee, but the group ahead never moved aside to let them through. After a frustrating 5:30 round, the gang came into the men’s bar fuming. The slow group was at a table across the room and the whole bar could hear the cursing coming from the hallway.
Finally, the waitress approached the gang and said, “You guys should lighten up. That group you’re cussing out….they can’t see. They’re blind golfers and I think it’s great they can even play!” 
The first player in the gang felt terrible and told the waitress, “You’re right. Tell you what — send them over a round of drinks on me!”
The second guy told the waitress to put the blind golfers’ lunches on his tab. The third guy sent a caddie to the pro shop for four sleeves of balls to present to the blind golfers.
Everyone looked at the fourth guy. Unceremoniously he grumbled,  “Screw ’em. Tell those idiots to play at night.”

As he was walking his dog one weekday afternoon, Fred, the bookie the bettors loved to hate, saw a young man on the local links.
Fred stopped for a moment to watch him tee off and followed longer when he saw that the boy had talent. The young man had holed his tee shot. He was about to call out his congratulations when the lad teed up again, and once more holed out.
Now Fred, never one to let an opportunity pass, walked up to the youngster, congratulated him and asked, “How old are you?”
“11, sir,” the young person replied.
“Has anyone else here seen you play?” Fred inquired.
Having received the assurance that no one had, Fred proposed a match the next day with the club champion. The odds were handsome – 10-to-1 against the new young player.
The boy, however, took an 11 on the first hole and went on around the course in much the same way. Of course he lost badly. Fred was furious.
“You’ve made me look like a fool!” he scolded. “What’s with the idea of pretending you can’t play?”
“Listen” the wiley youngster whispered, “next week you’ll get 100-to-1.”

​After standing for a while on the tee, he asked the boy standing beside him, “Are you my caddie for today?”
“Yes,” answered the boy.
“Are you good at finding lost balls?” the man asked.
“Oh yes, I find every lost ball!” the caddie said.
“Perfect,” the man said. “Run and find me one, then we can start!”

​A Marine drill sergeant fancied a round of golf one day and headed out to his favorite links. Waiting on the first tee, he noticed an Air Force commander, also waiting on the first tee and also alone. Both being in the Armed Forces, they decided to play together.
It wasn’t long before they were talking about work. They shared boot camp stories, war memories, and jokes about new recruits. It went this way until about the third hole, when the Marine sergeant was finishing a story about a runaway tank and said, “And you know that the Marines are the bravest men in the Armed Forces.”
The Air Force commander dropped his putter, “Just what do you mean by that?” he challenged.
“Well,” the sergeant went on, “who do you send to take new territory? Who do you send in when you’re outnumbered? Who gets the call for the most covert operations?”
The Air Force commander putted out, and angrily he said, “Well, while you are hiding in the bushes, who is a clear target in the sky? Who do you call for support when you’re losing? And who is always sent in during a losing battle? Sir, the men of the Air Force are the bravest men.” 
This argument lasted for the rest of the round. Both men swearing their men were the bravest, and each had stories to tell to back up their claims.
After finishing, they headed to the clubhouse for a beer, still debating the matter. Finally, the Marine sergeant stood and said, “I’ve got to head back to camp. Play again next week?”
To this, the Air Force commander said, “Well, I must apologize, it seems I was mistaken. Anyone who played like you did today, and is willing to come back to the same golf course is a much braver man than myself!”

​Sal was playing his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second hole.
On the third hole, he had just scored his first-ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang. It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in an accident. She was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he’d be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up playing all 18, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by three strokes and beating his previous best round by more than 10. He was jubilant.
Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty, he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife’s condition.
The doctor glared at him and shouted, “You went ahead and finished your round, didn’t you? I hope you’re proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the club, your wife has been languishing in the ICU!”
The doctor continued. “It’s just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last! For the rest of her life, she will require around the clock care and you will be her caregiver! She will need IV’s, you will have to change her colostomy bag every three hours, she will have to be spoon-fed three times a day and don’t forget you’ll have to bathe her!”
Sal broke down and sobbed.

The doctor chuckled and said, “I’m just messing with you. She’s going to be fine. What’d you shoot?”

​Playing golf with his buddies, a golfer had to make a slick 25-foot putt. As he lined it up, he announced, “I have a dollar bill that says I can make this putt. Does anyone want to bet?”
His three friends eagerly agreed to the wager.
The golfer missed the putt by 10 feet, and his friends gathered around to collect their money.
The golfer pulled out a dollar bill on which he had written, “I can make this putt.”
His pals are still trying to collect on the bet, but so is the golfer who missed.

​A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking bum who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, “If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?”
“No, I stopped drinking years ago,” the bum said.
“Will you use it to gamble?”
“I don’t gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive.”
“Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?”
“Are you NUTS! I haven’t played golf in 20 years!”
The man said, “Well, I’m not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I’m going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.”
The bum was astounded. “Won’t your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I’m dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad.”
The man replied, “That’s OK. I just want her to see what a man looks like who’s given up drinking, gambling and golf.”

​His wife was a new and nervous player, but Jim persuaded her to play against a new customer of his and his wife.
“After all,” he explained, “it will be a two-ball foursome. I’ll drive off and by the time you have to hit the ball, the client and his spouse will be elsewhere on the fairway and not watching you.”
It was agreed and the game started as Jim had said it would. He hit off with a fine drive, right down the fairway about 320 yards leaving only five yards to the green. One!
Jim handed his wife an iron and told her to aim for the green. She sliced it with vigor into the deep rough at the side of the fairway. Two!
His shot from the rough was magnificent, and it landed the ball back on the fairway; this time about half a yard from the green. Three!
She whacked it right over the green and into the sandtrap on the other side. Four!
He was in brilliant form, and he clipped it neatly from the sand onto the green about a foot from the hole. Five!
His wife stroked a might putt that rolled off the green and into another sandtrap. Six!
Jim’s recovery landed three inches from the hole. Seven!
Her putt stopped at the green’s edge. Eight!
His putt of 20 feet went in. Nine!
The customer and his wife holed out with four. Jim’s reaction was nothing too dramatic. He merely tore up his scorecard and ate it, broke three clubs and bent the remainder, jumped up and down on his golf cart and finally, shaking his fist at his wife, he strode off to the clubhouse.
His wife emerged from the sandtrap from where she had watched the performance.
“I don’t know what he’s so mad about,” she said. “After all, he had five. I only had four!”

​A rather good golf junkie who happened to be a priest was on the 18th hole and had about 230 yards left to the green.
He pulled out his 1-iron and started to swing at the ball. Suddenly, the clouds overhead let out a flash of lightning and a massive roll of thunder, shattering a tree some 300 yards to his right and rain began pouring down in a blinding sheet.
The distraction caused him to hook the shot badly out of bounds. He looked up, waved his 1-iron at the clouds, and began screaming and cursing God.
His caddie ran up, grabbed his club arm and yanked it down, yelling, “Are you crazy? You don’t wave a club around like that in a thunderstorm!”
The priest looked at his caddie and said, “Psh… Not even God can hit a 1-iron!”

​Golfers were mulling around the 19th hole. While enjoying a post-round beverage, the group saw a foursome approaching the 18th green. Having marked their balls, suddenly one of the guys fell down and the three others started a fistfight.
The club president stormed out from the clubhouse to separate the fighting men.
“Why are you fighting?” he asked.
“My partner had a stroke and died just now,” one of the men said, “and these cheats want to count the stroke on the scorecard!”

​A duffer hit a shot into the woods. From there, he hit it across the fairway into more trees, then proceeded to hit across the fairway again back into the same woods.
Finally, after banging away several more times, he proceeded to hit into a sand trap. All the while, he’d noticed that the club pro had been watching.
“What club should I use now?” he asked the pro.
“I don’t know,” the pro replied. “What game are you playing?”

As he is lining up his putt a player’s phone starts to ring.
He checks and sees that it is his wife calling.
He answers,”WHAT! I’m putting, what do you want?”
His wife answers, “The airbags worked,” and hangs up.

​Three women were playing a round at their club when suddenly a man came running out of the woods completed naked.
The first woman looked at the gentlemen, spied his obvious manhood and said “That’s not my husband.”
The second woman looked closely and said “That’s not my husband, either.”
The third woman looked closely then replied, “He’s not even a member of this club.”

​Marvin was a 14-handicapper. One day he walked up to his club pro — a scratch golfer — and challenged him to a match. He proposed they put up $100 each on the outcome.
“But since you’re so much better than me, you have to give me two ‘gotchas’,” Marvin said to the pro.
“A ‘gotcha’?” the golf pro asked. “What’s that?”
“Don’t worry,” Marvin replied, “I’ll use one of my ‘gotchas’ on the first tee and you’ll understand.”
The golf pro figured that whatever ‘gotchas’ were, giving up only two of them was no big deal — especially if one had to be used on the first tee. He agreed to the bet, and the pro and Marvin headed to the first tee to start their match.
Around four hours later, club members were amazed to see the pro handing Marvin a $100 bill.
The club members waited for the pro to enter the clubhouse, then asked him what happened.
“Well,” the pro said, “I took the club back on the first tee, and as I started my downswing, Marvin knelt behind me, reached up between my legs and grabbed my crotch, and yelled ‘Gotcha!'”
The club pro just shook his head.
“Have you ever tried to play 18 holes waiting for the second ‘gotcha’?”

Two men walk up to a relatively long par three.
The golfer says to his caddy, “Looks like a 4-wood and a putter.”
The caddy immediately hands him his putter and responds, “It looks like you got one hell of a putt left!”

It was a sunny Saturday morning, and Jim was beginning his pre-shot routine, visualizing his upcoming shot when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker.
“Would the gentleman on the Ladies tee please back up to the men’s tee, please!” the voice boomed.
Jim was still deep in his routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption.
Again the announcement, “Would the man on the women’s tee kindly back up the men’s tee!”
Jim had had enough.
He shouted, “Would the announcer in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my second shot!?”

Two couples play golf together regularly at their club. On the sixth hole — a par-4 — the second shot into the green calls for an 80-yard carry over water. One of the women, Mrs. Smith, could never carry the water and would always hit into it, totally psyched out by the presence of the water.
Her friend in the group suggested that she might want to see a hypnotherapist. Rumor had it that being hypnotized could be of help in such a situation. So the woman went to a hypnotherapist for four sessions.
In those sessions, Mrs. Smith was hypnotized and the therapist would “plant suggestions” that when playing the second shot on the sixth hole Mrs. Smith would not see water, but rather a lush green fairway leading all the way up to the green.
About six months later, someone at the club asked whatever happened to Mrs. Smith. No one had seen her playing golf at the club for nearly four months.
“You didn’t hear?” the club member responded. “She drowned in the lake on No. 6!”

An 80-year-old man moved to a new city and joined a new country club. When he first showed up at the club, a lot of its members looked at him eagerly: an old man, someone we can win some money from!
The 80-year-old man did nothing to dispell their reactions.

“I hit the ball pretty good,” he said, “but I have a lot of trouble getting out of deep bunkers.”
“Aha!” thought the whippersnappers. “Our course doesn’t have many deep bunkers, but there are tons of shallow ones and if he struggles getting out of the sand, we’ll take his money for sure.”
When the 80-year-old showed up for his first round at his new course, Harvey was waiting.
“Would you like to play?” he asked the old man. “And maybe we can make it interesting; what do you say, put a little money on it?”
The 80-year-old agreed and he and Harvey set out to play.
“How many strokes do you need?” asked Harvey, who was only 55.
“Oh, I don’t need any strokes,” the old man said. “My game is really good. The only problem I’m having right now is getting out of deep bunkers.”
Harvey was a pretty good player, but the old man was really good. He was striping the ball. If not for Harvey’s 25-year age advantage, the old man would have been far ahead.
The old man even hit the ball great on a couple bunker shots.
“Hmmm,” Harvey thought, “he said he had trouble out of deep bunkers, and we haven’t really got to one of those yet … just be patient, I know he’ll find one of the deep bunkers around the 17th green.”
Sure enough, Harvey and the old man reached the par-3 17th hole tied, and the old man promptly put his tee ball right smack in the middle of the big, deep bunker in front of the green.
“I’ve got him now!” Harvey thought.
The 80-year-old slid down into the bunker and took his stance over the ball. Then he took a perfect swing and floated the ball up out of the bunker. It hit perfectly on the fringe, took one little hop and rolled to within two feet of the cup before stopping.
Harvey had seen enough.
“Dang it!” he shouted at the old man, who was still in the bunker. “I thought you said you had a lot of trouble getting out of deep bunkers!”
“Oh, I do,” the 80-year-old said, reaching out to Harvey. “Can you give me a hand?”

​Toward the end of a particularly trying round of golf, Jack was the picture of frustration. He’d hit far too many fat shots.
Finally, he blurted out to his caddie, “I’d move Heaven and Earth to break 100 on this course.”
“Try Heaven,” replied the caddie. “You’ve already moved most of the Earth.”

​John and Bill, two friends of equal ability decide to play a round of golf together and “play it as it lies” on all shots. Both hit their tee shots on the the first hole, a long par-5, straight down the middle of the fairway, 260 yards away.
They drive up for their second shots and John hits his shot again down the middle, setting up an easy approach. But Bill slices his second shot over into the trees and it ends up on the cart path of the adjoining hole.
“Guess I get a free drop from the cart path,” Bill says.
“Oh no,” says his friend. “We agreed; play it as it lies.”
So, Bill drops John off in front of the green and drives over to his ball on the cart path. John watches in amusement as sparks shower down from the practice swings of his opponent and then he looked on in amazement as Bill hit a perfectly struck shot that landed on the green and rolled to within three feet of the pin.
Pleased, Bill drives up to the green as John approaches.
“Great shot back there!” John said. “What club did you use?”
Bill smiled and replied, “Your 6-iron.”

​He went home to his wife with the trophy and a small cash prize. He kept repeating his round over dinner. The wife, who is not the least bit interested in golf, got up and went to bed early. The guy follows after a few hours, still high on his golf championship.
At around two in the morning, the wife jumps up and screams at her husband, who also gets startled and wakes up.
“What happened? Why are you screaming?” the guy asked his wife.
“Why wouldn’t I shout? You just pulled a patch of hair from me and threw it up in the air!”

​

James was playing a round of golf with the club pro one day and after 18 holes they went into the clubhouse.
James asked the pro, “What do you think of my game?”
The pro replied, “You should shorten your clubs by 1 inch.”
James asked if the pro thought this would help his game.
To which the pro said, ” No! It will help them fit in the trash can!”

What is the difference between a golfer and a fisherman?
When a golfer lies, he doesn’t have to bring anything home to prove it!